How NOT to road trip with kids

Summer's coming. And that can only mean one thing: traipsing across the country to visit friends or family, attending weddings, making memories at the seaside, or risking your precious sanity at a theme park (all hail those who've battled Peppa Pig World and survived).

There was a time, not that long ago, when travelling to my parents' house meant three and a half hours of napping, snacking and intentionally avoiding any kind of strenuous mental exercise, save for the gratuitous 'what's your beach style?' quiz in whatever magazine I'd settled on from WHSmith. This was, of course, back in the days when I could book a ticket for one on Virgin Trains and request a table seat just for the hell of it, rather than because I needed the space for Paw Patrol colouring books and a hoard of Cadbury chocolate buttons.

Those were the days... the pre-kids days.

Now I have to make the journey in the car. Funnily enough, it still takes three and half physical hours (excluding breaks) but on a bad day can feel like an absolute age (yes, it's a breakdown truck, NOW GET A SODDING MOVE ON).

And having been blessed with my sanity-testing little urchins for a number of years now (love you both really, promise), I thought I'd impart my limited wisdom in these matters. Hopefully it serves to provide some useful tips, should you be considering such a journey yourselves.

Here are my top tips on what NOT to do on a road trip with kids:

1. Not bring snacks or drinks. 

This is my absolute rule number one. Second to the tablet, snacks are the guaranteed best way to placate/bribe/distract your child if they're firmly of the mindset that not being in the car seat is 100% better than being in it.

And they don't have to be unhealthy snacks - include some fruit (if they'll eat it) or raisins. Just don't let them catch sight of the Galaxy Caramel bar you'd sneaked in for yourself.

I also recommend popping a strong, coffee in an insulated cup just before you leave. Never underestimate the power of caffeine-fuelled optimism. It does wonders for willpower.

2. Consume all snacks and drinks within the first half hour of the journey. 

This is a mistake you only make once due to its many and varied inevitable consequences.

3. Forget to bring that gizmo that allows you to hang a tablet on the back of the front seat 

Because who doesn't bring a tablet on a road trip with kids? That's one mechanical babysitter right there. Until the film finishes anyway - then you're on your own.

4. Allow your three year old use of felt tip pens whilst on the motorway, when you can't confiscate them

Amateur mistake. AMATEUR.

5. Forget that your one year old's arms are long enough to be passed said pens by his brother, so that he can proceed to chew them and consequently end up looking the colour of a smurf

*Sigh*.

6. Forget to bring tissues and/or wipes 

How else am I going to clean my BLUE child? 

Also: "Mummy, there's something up my nose". I was close to 100% sure it was a bogey and that the exploratory finger was only going to make the situation, and the snot content of my upholstery, worse.

7. Forget to bring the travel potty

Remember, you're not allowed to stop on the hard shoulder for a toddler tinkle, but at least you'll have a back-up if Little Precious refuses to use the 'big toilets' at the services.

8. Not consider the potential for travel-sickness

Touch wood, my two seem OK, but I really suffered with this as a child (and sometimes still do). Just make sure the chosen bag doesn't have air-holes in the bottom of it.

9. Pack the changing bag a metre deep under the buggy, cases, food, toys and pillows in the boot of the car

You really don't want to be unloading all of your possessions onto the tarmac of Watford Gap car park for everyone and their granny to see. Think ahead.

10. Don't stop for a break

Be kind to yourself. If you think 'I'll just keep going and get it over and done with', please think again. Even without kids in the car, you need to give your bum cheek nerve endings a chance to wake up. And a walk and a breath of fresh air will help provide the energy to survive the next sixty miles of "Are we there yet?"

Good luck.