Eeny Meeny Miny... Me?

"Enjoying your coffee?"

I look up from my phone and re-cross my legs at the bar in Frankie and Benny's.

I'm alone, but it's okay. Having had an afternoon 'off' from parenting, I've rejoiced in the freedom of catching a movie and am now enjoying the prospect of finishing a hot coffee before heading home.

The waitress parks her tray on the bar and smiles, as I nod enthusiastically.

"Yes thanks."

Something about the question unnerves me. Had it been followed with "so, what do you do," I'm not sure how I would have answered. If I was still commuting to the office five days a week, the answer would have been straightforward. But I'm not. Technically, I'm still employed, but what I do now is far less easy to describe.

So what am I?

The Pre-pregnancy Pep Talk

This one is for all of you out there thinking of starting a family. You've seen the Pampers adverts. You've cuddled your friend's baby when they're all squeaky clean, fed and bursting with baby giggles. You've done all that and thought, I want that. I'm ready. Bring on the sleepless nights and leaky boobs because it can't all be that bad.

And it's not. You're correct. But if you think you'll just be a little bit busier than normal and you can get plenty of naps in 'cos babies sleep all the time, right? Wrong. You're part of the way there but listen up, folks, because I'm going to be honest with you.

Your life will never be the same again.

No, no. You're not listening. I want you to bring your face as close as you can to the phone or tablet or (if you're rocking vintage tech) the PC. You need to be so close, your eyes start to cross.

YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.

Right. Now you're paying attention, I'm going to relay the three things I personally wish someone had told me whilst I was working towards getting sprogged up. They are rather general, I grant you, but are meant with the sincerest of intentions and I hope they prove useful.